Finding Me


Soul Speak / Wednesday, May 30th, 2018

I stepped out of the world once upon a time. My health took a turn and I did not have the skills I needed to handle it and the rat race of life. It caused me great heart ache that I was suffering and very few people really cared.

People made it their business to constantly tell me what I needed to do to fix my situation. See, now I know that I could not control my situation because I was caught in a loop of there are no answers and fell into deep depression and dispare. The more people pressured me to suck it up and get over it and I tried to meet their expectations, the sicker I became.

I internalized my emotional and physical pain. I withdrew from the world. I went inside myself and crawled in bed to hide. For years I hid. I was really suffering and never felt more alone in my life. I, at one point, argued with God that I had no purpose because to me all my suffering was pointless.

During these years, I have trudged through a life long history of abuses. I did not know any other way to be in the world but to fight. See many people felt that my escape into my room was avoidance. I tried too hard to do all the things people suggested. It simply did not work. And, the more I tried and failed the further I withdrew. I completely lost faith in others and myself. I lost my faith in God too. This journey inside myself has been about freeing my soul not hiding from pain. I had to get out of the world and go inside the war room inside myself and shatter the bondages I allowed myself to fall into.

That happened a long time before this. People are cruel. I still cannot understand why those of my childhood faith are so critical of the world. What are we teaching our children about things like compassion, empathy, and just a simple need to hear another’s story and allow them to do what is needed to fix themselves. I long for a day when we lift each other up instead of breaking each other down. It really is okay for people to believe things different from each other. This too is a burden that I carried with my existential life crisis. The burden that I was expected to conform or go away. Well, I finally just went away. It was the right choice for me. It crushed me to realize that those I left behind seemed glad I was gone. There I was facing my worst fear, rejection. I was finally rejected just as I had feared my whole life. And, surprisingly, it freed me. But, you know what, this choice helped me begin a path toward true healing.

I never dreamed that my worst fear would be the thing that saved me. Once the rejection happened, I set myself on a path toward finding people that filled my life with the things I so desperately needed. I so desperately needed deep conversations that challenged my mind. laughter, interpersonal connections.

It has been a long time since I have been strong enough to boldy step out of my safe bubble and reenter the world. I was a borderline agoraphobic for about 12 years. At one point, I began to develop a fear of germs. It was not unfounded. I had contracted MRSA and became very, very ill. Of course, my mind feared germs. Once I realized what I was doing, I began to consciously break those patterns that I was developing. Now and again, I still cover my hands in public, but I am fine with that. I am grateful for the person that really understood this and invented sleeves that covered the hands. I still like them. I find comfort in this simple little trick. I completely understood that reentering the world would mean more rejection. But I knew I wanted it more than anything in the world. I wanted to be free of the cage I locked myself in to keep people from breaking me more and more.

Ironically, now I fully see that people were not doing to me what I thought they were doing. They were just being themselves and trying to help by offering advice and encouragement in their own way. I am the one that took all the information given and caused more and more confusion by pressuring myself to do whatever I thought I needed to do to get better. I was creating the chaos in my life not everyone else.

Stepping out of the world is the thing that helped me see this. I still catch myself now and again saying what “they” said. Even if I do not correct it, I know that the truth of the matter is how I heard what they said. Now, there are real people that consider it their job to be in people’s business. I’m not referring to this type of person. They have to be processed separately.

I saw so many doctors searching for answers and they never really came. I began to see that my worry that I would end up disabled/broken broke me. I spent too much time in my head. I spent hours on the computer researching my symptoms trying desperately for it all to make some kind of sense. See I told myself that doctors only look for common illnesses. So, in my mind, this had to be uncommon. But doctors laughed at my efforts to find answers. They could not see my need for answers. I became a joke at many doctors offices. I saw it and heard it. It made me hate people even more. I do have a few bigger issues like heart conditions and periferial nerve pain, etc. I have real health conditions. I had just gotten into a pattern of thinking that every little thing was another symptom. I was burying myself in my need for answers.

Answers did eventually come, but I was also angry at the answers, but I knew I had to work through this too and I did, I still am. The truth of it all comes down to me. I convinced myself that I was broken. I still struggle with this too because I still have real health struggles.

I am coping so much better now. This journey took me through deep darkness. I really wanted to die. I did not want to kill myself. I wanted to die. There is a difference in my mind.

Two years ago, I had an experience that changed me completely. I was in bed having a common pitty party and arguing with God again. I fell asleep and had an exceptional experience. I was in that state between sleep and awake, so I was conscious of what was happening in the dream state and in this realm.

I found myself standing on my bed. I believe that I was really standing on my bed too. I was in this strange place that only had two colors in it. Half of it was all light and half of it was total darkness. I found myself looking for gray. While taking it in, I heard a voice speaking to me. I honed in on the sound and focused. The voice said only one word “Pick.” Of course, I said, “Pick what?” He said, “Pick one.” I began to understand. I debated with him as I always do. I see him as a spirit guide. He has come to me many times in my life and helped me. I could not choose.

I was afraid of both the light and the darkness. I had been beaten down so badly by religion that I was honestly just as terrified of the light as I was the darkness. I knew that I had to make a choice, but I was not ready to make it. I kept looking around for gray. The voice said that there was no gray for me. I had to pick one or the other. I was frozen in place. He also said that I would be fine no matter my choice. This confused me. I could tell that he was letting me know that he had my back no matter my choice. I was shaking. I knew this was a major turning point in my life. This choice helped me begin a path toward true healing. I knew in my heart and soul that this choice would decide my future.

Oddly, in true dream style, my phone notified me of a post. I reached down and picked it up. It was a woman from England. She had sent me a message saying, “You don’t know me, but ArchAngel Raphael asked me to tell you that he has a message of healing and love for you.” I crumbled and cried. It was a deep soulful cry. I could feel such a strong feeling of love around me that I could never describe it to you and feel that you could really know what this felt like.

Instantly I am back in my experience standing on the line between light and darkness. He again told me to pick. I did. I jumped with all my might into the light. But, I did it with an assurance that no matter which one I picked I would be okay, and I really am. See what I get from this is that we are not to become too deeply involved in the light or the darkness. It is about balancing the two. To understand one, you have to have experienced both.

So much more has happened to me since this day. I am a completely new person. I have begun to reenter the world. It has taken me two extra years of working through this to get myself to where I am today. I am very pleased with my progress. I am finally ready. I’m ready to get back into the world and live again.

I am still aware that I do have things that linger from my health problems, but they no longer define me. I am in control of them in a way that I never imagined to be possible. With the continued guidance of ArchAngel Raphael, I have learned how to go deep inside myself and heal my wounds. I have learned on this journey that I was holding in so much pain from all that has happened in my life that I became a prisoner in my own mind. I have learned through mediation and prayer that there is a place just outside of the body that we can get to that takes us past the pain. It is not always easy to get there, but knowing it is there helps sooo much. Lastly, I have finally learned to release the pain and live.

I learned Reiki and practiced actively healing myself from all that I held within me. I have also learned how to use this energy to help others. It is helpful to see a Reiki practitioner and have them help you release excess energy and remove blockage to get the energy field within the body to wake up. We have forgotten how to heal ourselves. We have become so dependant on medical advice that we have simply lost touch with the fact that the body is designed to heal itself. If you have ever had a cut, burn, broken bone, etc you know this is true. The body naturally mends, but so does the mind. The mind is of the body. It too has a natural ability to heal if we just stop and focus on doing the things necessary to release the wounds that have trapped us in the routines of our existence. Is it easy, “Hell No.”

Make sure you have a good strong support system. This is a journey you have to take consciously. It takes true commitment. If you get nothing else out of reading this, please hear me say that this is a hard but beautiful experience I am living. I have begun to rewrite the scripts in my mind. I do not allow myself to feel pressured to do as advised by others. I have reached a point in which can again hear advice from others. I just had to create a space inside myself that just allows the advice to flow through me and not stop at me. This is healing. I take things less personally than I used to.

For me, it helps to remind myself that opinions are based on personal experiences and someone else’s opinion is nothing more than their thoughts on it. I am finally strong enough to say that it is great that this worked for the person giving the opinion and move on.

I have grown sooo much. I’m actually very proud of myself. I have found a strong network of truly fantastic people that are on a similar journey. Together we are getting through this. It is very powerful to have a support system like this. I am ecstatic that I now am aware that I have a team of spiritual guides to help me. I have learned to have faith and trust them. Yes, they are invisible to you, but not to me. If you think this makes me crazy, I’m okay with that. If this is crazy, I like it here. I’m happy. I’m really happy. I still have pain, I still have to stop and rest when my body demands it. However, I am not disabled. I have had to change how I approach life. I’m finally ready to reenter this BEAUTIFUL world and begin living. I feel truly at peace having taken this journey. Now, if I need to rest, I rest no matter what anyone else thinks or expects of me. My health cannot rule me anymore. Being healthy really is a state of mind. We have to be ready to release the wounds that we have amassed throughout our lives.

I wish for you to feel what I feel inside me. I truly believe in Angels and Magicks. I no longer feel a need to defend my stance on this. I no longer feel a need to explain. It took a long time for me to get to this point. I feel sooo Blessed to have been given the opportunity to walk the path of a higher calling. I’m still figuring it all out. But, I am actually enjoying the journey now.

Now, I feel some pressure to convince others that I am worth taking a risk on. I have a lot to offer to those that are open to receiving even if it is just good conversation.

I do not feel a need to convince others that my way is the one true way because I honestly do not believe it is. I, finally, feel free of the victimhood I trapped myself in for sooo long. I believe we are each one on a walk about even if we are not aware of it. I’m certain that when we are really ready to release the pain, we will. Just allow this to sit in your mind a bit and invite the magicks hidden in the background waiting to be released to fly free. It is sooo worth it.

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